Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
