Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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