I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
