The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
