I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
