So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
