Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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