mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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