It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
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10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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