Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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