if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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