dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
me + whiskey = a bad person
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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