Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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