My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
