I met the friendliest cop last night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
