Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
