remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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