i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He better not be in your backpack
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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