are you still at the devil's house?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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