In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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