One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
