Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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