yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
