He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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