I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.