Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
