1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home