Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."