my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole