Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
