At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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