Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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