I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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