is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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