I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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