My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
