Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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