So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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