I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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