Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
