What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
A bitchslap is in order.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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