i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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