I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
