I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
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Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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