Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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