i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
