He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
