This house was built for laser tag.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
