i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
