i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
