The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
