Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
