no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
