Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
