We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
His hands were made for my vagina.
porn star boner night. come get it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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