I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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