His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
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After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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