I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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