don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
